Airlines were in the news this week as British police foiled a terrorist plot to blow up jets over the Atlantic. Thus, a friend sent an "adapted" version of "Fasten Your Seatbelts:" spoofs on safety spiels. Theese were followed by one-liners, jokes from different professions. Enjoy- Juan L. Mercado.

Flight Stewardess: "Thank you flying with us. Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. If you do that in mid-flight, you'll be asked to leave the plane. We do have a smoking section. If you wish to smoke, a member of the flight crew will be happy to escort you to this airplane's wing.

Steward: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane. In an emergency water landing, your seat cushions can be used for flotation. Please take them with our compliments."

Co-pilot: "We've left the turbulence area folks. So, I'm switching off the seat belt sign.

Feel free to move about. But please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside. And if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

Pilot: "We've reached our cruising altitude now. You may use your laptops and similar electronic devices. If there's anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, aside from 'fly faster,' please let us know."

Flight Steward:"We're now on our final approach. Please return your tray tables and seat backs into their full upright and most uncomfortable position,"

Stewardess: "Thank you for flying with us and giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. If your flight proved pleasant, my name is Bernadette and this is Cebu Pacific Airlines. If it was rough, then my name is Liza. And this is Philippine Air Lines."

This item came from a physician-friend: A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. On the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?" "No," God replied. "You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman stayed in the hospital, had "the works:" a facelift, liposuction, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hair dyed another color. "Since I have more time, might as well make the most of it," she figured.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, a speeding firetruck hit her. Arriving in front of God, she protested: "Didn't you say I had another 40 years? Then, why didn't you jerk me from out of that fire engine's path?

And God replied (You'll love this!): "I didn't recognize you."

Harvard School of Medicine, the doctor added, did a study of why women like Chinese food so much. The study found this is because Won Ton, when spelled backward, reads: Not Now.

Then there was this physician who gave a man six months to live. But the patient couldn't pay his bill. So, the doctor gave him another six months.

"Mrs. Lagdameo," the irritated doctor said. "Your check came back." And Mrs. Lagdameo answered: "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "But I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Now, this surgeon pressed a stethoscope to a man's chest, then shook his head. The worried patient asked: "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replies: "That's what puzzles me!" Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

And this item came from a professor explaining " stress management." He raised a glass of water and asked: "How heavy is this?" Answers from students ranged from 20g to 500g.

"The absolute weight doesn't matter," he replied. "It depends on how long you hold it. A minute? No problem. What about an hour? By then, your arm will be on fire. But a whole day? Call the ambulance.

"Yet, in each case, it's the same weight. But the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." "So with stress management," he continued. "If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, it becomes increasingly heavy. We can't carry on. As with the glass of water, you must put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. .

"So, before you leave tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. Pick it up tomorrow, after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!

How do you do that? "Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet. Sometimes, you have to eat them.

"Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. And when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

"If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see them again, it was probably worth it. And a truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

"And learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors. But they all have to live in the same box."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)