You stumble across the best rib-ticklers in the most unexpected places - like signboards at beach resorts. Long-time Bangkok resident Edwin Ong periodically visits here. He emailed this one, apparently from a website gifted with a sense of humor (www.literary.com). Enjoy.

Rules To Be Follows: XXXX Beach Resort.

1. Safety the important things. The management will not shoulder if anything lose.

2. Throw all plastic, cellophane in the sacks that hung in the tree.

3. Throw the biogedrable in the rubber garbagge.

4. Please do not throw anywhere the bones, candies, ice cream pop wrappers, waste of fruit, cigarette buts. Throw in the garbagge.

5. Don't broke the bottle, specially soft drinks, beer and hard liquor. Once you caught penalty P100.

6. Stay where you are occupied cottage.

7. Once you caught stay other cottage you should pay another for that.

8. During eating time, please don't stay or sit the other cottage. So that we can identified cottage that are available for other customers come in.

This Rules Should Be Follow. Be Discipline Ourselves."

Was this a replay of the martial law slogan? Sa ikau-unlad ng bayan, disiplina ang kailangan? No matter. Superb variations appear in signboards at public markets, the website says. Like this handwritten sign for a sale of blankets, pillow cases, bed sheets, etc: "Ded Shit. Dipinde Sa Klase." Intended to catch the eye of those keen on sportswear: "Sweet Shirt - P35."

On a store that specialized in metalwork: "Stainless Steel Craft. It offered: Retiner: Bres Sa Ngipon." Also available: "Ring W/Name - Sing-Sing." At the entrance to a track and field stadium: "Vicycle Not Allowed - Mgnt."

Then, there was "The Overseas Filipino Worker Who Once Caught Someone Else." A journalist in Australia sent in this item:

An OFW, a plumber actually, and an Arab are seated next to each other on a flight from Manila to Dubai. The Arab asks if he'd like to play a fun-game. Tired, the Filipino just wants to take a nap. So, he politely declines, pulls down his window shade and turn away to doze.

But the Arab persists. "This game is easy and a lot of fun," he explains. "All it requires is: I ask you a question. And if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars and vice versa."

Again, the Filipino refuses, saying he'd like to get some sleep. Now, worked up, the Arab persists. "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars. And if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you five hundred dollars."

The sum grabs the Filipino's attention. And figuring there will be no end to this badgering, he agrees to play. The Arab asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Stumped, the Filipino doesn't say a word. He dips into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it over to the Arab. "Okay," says the Arab. "Your turn."

So the Filipino asks: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The Arab thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

Nothing. Desperate, he taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet, plus the Library of Congress. No answer there. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his Cairo University co-alumni, friends and co-workers. He rechecks the input. All to no avail! .

After almost an hour, he wakes up the Filipino OFW and hands him five hundred dollars. The Filipino thanks him and resumes his nap. Miffed, the Arab stirs the Filipino awake and asks: "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the sleepy Filipino fishes into his shirt pocket. He pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Arab - goes back to sleep!

Then, there was old Macario's last note. Well wishers surrounded by hospital bed. It doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the priest for something to write on. Macario uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies at the funeral, the priest is finishing his eulogy when he remembers the note. "Macario handed me a note just before he died," he tells the mourners. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Macario, I'm sure there's inspiration in it for us all Opening the note, he reads aloud: "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

Then, there was this man waking up from anaesthesia after surgery.

Seeing his wife, he mumbled: "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that. So she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"

The wife asked: "What happened to 'beautiful?'" The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off." When the dust finally settled, he sadly explained: "My wife and I had words. But I didn't get to use mine. And I've finally learned why God made man before woman. That was to give time to think of an answer for her first question."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)