The holidays are now over and people starting to trickle back to office from leave.

Desks of supervisors are still cluttered with leave applications that haven't been filed. A review will turn up "gems" of bureaucratese. Here are some examples:

Letter from an employee attending a daughter's wedding: "As I am marrying my daughter, please grant me a week's leave." This one had business plans. "Since I have to go to the province to sell my land, along with my wife, please authorize me a one-week leave."

Funerals also bring such letters. "As my mother-in-law has expired, and I am only one responsible, please grant me 10 days leave," one wrote. But this other chap didn't need all day. "Since I must attend the burial at 10 o'clock, and I may not return, please grant me half-day leave."

Are leave applications for sickness any better? Read and judge. "I am suffering from fever. Please declare one-day holiday," wrote one. And a school principal got this one: "As I am studying in this school, I am suffering from headache. Please leave me today."

A department head read: "My wife is suffering from sickness, and as I am her only husband at home, may I be granted leave?"

Some even have covering notes. "I am enclosed herewith," said one. Another began: "Dear Sir - With reference to the above, please refer to my below...." And it ended with a bang: "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

Funny? Then, read these entries in hospital charts: "The patient refused autopsy."

How? "The patient has no previous history of suicides." Was it because "the patient left white blood cells at another hospital." Or is it because "the patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"This patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities," the doctor wrote. "Her skin was somewhat pale but present. And the pelvic exam will be done later on the floor." Another patient who was "alert and unresponsive. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.." In fact, "she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce"

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy"' one doctor wrote. "The patient has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. On examination, we found both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation." Furthermore, "examination of genitalia reveals that she is circus sized. And while in the ER (emergency room) she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Another doctor described this patient as "healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. He had tapsilog for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. He complained of pain in the knees. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared." So, the doctor wrote on his discharge status: "He is alive but without permission."

English teachers, for their part, agonize over extravagant metaphors or analogies. The ones below were culled from essays that exuberant school kids wrote:

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

How's that again? Try this one: "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other - like two freight trains, one having left Manila at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 kilometers per hour and the other from Dagupan at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 kph."

This one is about puppy love. "He was as tall as a six-foot, one-inch tree," wrote this girl. And the boy noted: "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. And when she spoke, he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

Other essays had these: "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Ricardo. But unlike Ricardo, this plan just might work." Then, there was "the ballerina who rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant." But the male dancer "was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something."

`Evaluation reports of employee performance form a rich lode of striking quotes. These were lifted from actual US Government reports. The "winners" included these: "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom - and has started to dig." This one dealt with an overbearing department head: "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. And I would not allow this employee to reed."

A supervisor wrote that "this employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." Another one "worked well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

Speaking of a woman receptionist, the evaluator observed: "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. In fact, she'd be out of her depth in a parking lot puddle. In sum, this young lady has delusions of adequacy."

Have a restful Sunday!

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)