Did you hear about the Filipino who applied for a job at Wal-Mart?

After reviewing job resumes, a Wal-Mart manager called in four applicants: an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

Their answer to only one question would determine who'd be hired.

The question: "What's the fastest thing you know?"

Dave the American replied: "A thought! It pops up with no warning." The interviewer remarked: "Excellent." Turning to the Russian, the interviewer asked: "And you, sir?"

Vladimir replied: "A blink!

The blink of an eye denotes speed." The interviewer nodded: "Very good. George the Australian answered: "Turning on a light. Nothing can beat light for speed." The interviewer agreed.

Finally, he posed the same question to the Filipino who quickly replied: "Apter herring da tree preybyus ansers, Sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is: diarrhea" "What?"

exploded the stunned interviewer. "Oh, I can expleyn, Sir," Eleuterio went on. "Da ader day my tummy was peeling bad, and so I run so fast to the CR. But before I could think, blink or turn on the light - it was too late."

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

The second question is about decisions. Your answer to this will help you discover where you stand morally. But remember: your reply must be honest and, above all, spontaneous.

The Problem: You're a photojournalist in Miami, Florida. A hurricane and severe floods cause chaos all around. Houses and people are disappearing under the flood waters.

You seek to snap career-making photos in this tragedy.

The Test: Suddenly, you see a strangely familiar woman in the flood. She's fighting for her life. You edge closer. Suddenly, you realize who she is: the Democratic party's presidential aspirant - Senator Hillary Clinton! But, at the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to sweep her away.

The Options: You have two. First, you can save the life of Hillary Clinton. Or, second, you can shoot dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photos that'd document the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

The Question: (Please think carefully and be candid in your reply): "Would you select high contrast color film? Or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

Still on questions, this friend sent in an item titled: "Why? Why? Why?" And here are some:

"Why don't we ever hear father-in-law jokes?" (Don't ask you mother-in-law) "Why do banks charge a fee if your account "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money"? Or: "Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle." "why do we press harder on the tv remote control button even if we know the battery is kaput?" Or "why do people believe when you say there are over four billion stars but will check when you post a sign that says: 'Wet Paint'? Again: "Why do they use sterilized needs for death by lethal injection"? And "why does Tarzan not have a beard?"

"Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?" Or "why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?" So, why did they put the letter 'S' in the word "lisp?"

"Why You Should Not Mess Around with Kids" is the article that a teacher-friend sent in. Here they are:

The lesson was about Jonah and the whale. A whale can not swallow a human being because this huge mammal had a very small throat, the teacher insisted. And the little girl said: "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." Sarcastically, the teacher asked:

"But what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied: "Then, you ask him."

At kindergarten art class, the teacher peered over the shoulder of a little boy who was sketching away. She asked what the drawing was. "I'm painting God," the lad explained.

The teacher paused and said: "But son, no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, the boy replied: "They will - when I'm done."

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?," asked the little girl. Her mother replied:

"Well, every time you do something wrong, and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while. Then, she asked: "Mama, how come all of Lola's hairs are white?"

Heard about the question that the substitute church organist timidly asked? The priest was preoccupied over how to ask his congregation for additional contributions. He needed funds to repair the typhoon damage to the church. Brought in at the last minute, the substitute organist diffidently inquired: What piece should I play? "Think of something," the worried priest replied. "But play after I appeal for donations."

In his homily, the priest listed, in detail, the repairs needed: new roof and rain gutters; repairs to the windows, repainting, etc. He paused, then thundered: "Any of you who can pledge P1000 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played: "Bayang Magiliw" or the National Anthem. And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)