(Airplane announcements to computers, as well as the "Pope and Ah Peh" were email items that came in over the week. Here they are. Enjoy - JLM )

On a China Southern Airlines flight from Hong Kong to Beijing, passengers heard this: "Good afternoon, ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui. Welcome on our Bowling 737. My crew speaks Chinese and other languages that you do not know.

"It is a great pressure serving you to die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

"Meanwhile, the aircraft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep your belt tightly fastened. We will serve dinner at five dirty p.m. Hope you enjoy your fright with us."

But my friend embroiders this item saying: This plane crashed, killing an engaged Catholic couple on board. At Pearly Gates, they ask St. Peter: "Could we get married in heaven?" St. Peter replied: "No one asked before. Let me find out. Wait here." And he left.

Two months passed. "Given the eternal aspect, what if our marriage would not pan out?," the waiting couple argued. "Are we stuck together forever?"

After another month, an exhausted St. Peter returned. "Yes," he told the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great!" they replied. "But if things don't work out, could we get a divorce here?"

Furious, St. Peter slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Oh, Come on!" St. Peter shouts. "It took three months to find a priest here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer."

This one came from a language teacher. Unlike English, Spanish nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." But "pencil" is masculine: "el lapis." So, what gender is "computer?"

Instead of replying, the teacher split the class into two: men and women. "Decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. But each group must give four reasons for your choice."

Feminine, the men's group agreed. A "computer" should be known as "la computadora."

Their reasons: (a)"No one but their creator understands their internal logic; (b) The language they use to communicate, with other computers, can not be understood by everybody else; (c) Even smallest mistakes are stored in the long term memory, for possible later retrievable; and (d) As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Masculine, the women concluded. Computers should be called "el computador."

Their reasons: (a) To do anything with them, you've got to turn them on first; (b) They have a lot of data but can't think for themselves: (c) Supposed to help you solve problems, half of .the time, they are the problem; and (d) As soon as you chose one, you realize: if you'd waited a little longer, you'd have gotten a better model.."

The women won.

And did you hear the one about "The Pope and Ah Peh"?

Centuries ago, the Pope decided that all Chinese must leave Italy. To solve the big uproar, a deal was struck. The Pope would debate a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they'd leave.

The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to debate. "To make it more interesting," Ah Peh suggested, "neither side would be allowed to talk." And the Pope agreed.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Ah Peh sat opposite each other. .Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf of bread and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pulled out an apple.

"I give up," the Pope said. "This man is good. The Chinese can stay." And the curtains came down.

What happened? The cardinals asked the Pope later in his quarters. "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He held up one finger to stress there was one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger to show him God was all around us." He pointed to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and loaf of bread to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.

He had an answer for everything."

Over in Chinatown, the residents asked Ah Peh. "What happened?" And Ah Peh, replied: "First he indicated to me that we had three days to get out of here. I replied: Not one of us was leaving. Then he pointed that this city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, yes, yes. And then?" asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch. And I took out mine."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)