(Resumption of classes, this month, has seen a deluge of items pour in about school. Here are some "excuse notes" from parents, including original spelling, plus various "academic" items. Enjoy - Juan L. Mercado).

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not join physical education classes today. Please execute him." The second letter improved on the first. "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

Some PE classes are held in gymnasiums. So, this anxious mother wrote: "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." Huh? But that's nothing compared to Roland. "Kindly excuse Roland from PE classes for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

And why was Manuel absent? "Excuse him", the father wrote, "because he had two teeth taken out of his face" Carmen, on the other hand, "could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins". Raymundo skipped classes Friday because "he had very loose vowels".

Should parents consult a calendar when writing excuse slips? You judge from this one: "Dear School: Please ekscuse Tomas for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

But teachers appreciate when they are informed of absences in advance, as Roberto's mother did when she wrote: "Roberto won't be in school Friday because we have to attend his funeral."

But this excuse won hands down: "Please excuse Marcia for missing school yesterday. We were not able to buy a Sunday newspaper. And when we bought one today, we found it was Tuesday."

School, it's been said, is a "place where Papa pays and son plays. Indeed, a father is a banker provided by nature. But as this incident proves, nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Thus, a college teacher reminded her students of the final exam for the next day. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for absence from tomorrow's test. I might consider a nuclear attack or death in your immediate family. But no other excuses."

From back of the room, a student smirked and asked: "What'd you say if tomorrow I suffered from complete utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class erupted with guffaws.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled, shook her head, and sweetly said: "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Classes often start - and bog down - over definitions. Here are some that have etched themselves into the retold stories.

Define "lecture." Answer: "The art of transferring information, from the notes of the lecturer, to the notes of the students, without passing through the minds of either".

And what is a "classic"? Those are "books, which people praise, but do not read."
Definitions heard in a sociology class: What is divorce? Answer:

"The future tense of marriage." And marriage? "It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters". So, what has that got to do with a yawn? "That's he only time some married men ever get to open their mouth."

Describe the difference between stress, tension and panic, the professor asked: Answer: "Stress is when the wife is pregnant. But tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant. And finally, panic is when both are pregnant." And what are tears? "They're hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower."

In any society, "those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't." The old proverb holds that "All things comes to him who waits", The old proverb said.

Apparently, not any more 'Things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk -- dumped by those who got there first."

And what is a shin bone? Answer: "It's a device for finding furniture in a dark room." And don't forget that "a fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well".

What about "life insurance?" That's a contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich."

Definitions of various occupations are standard fare for many political science classes.

"Define politician." Answer: "One who shakes your hand before elections - and your confidence after." And criminal? "A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught." And what is a boss? "Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early." And what's a nurse? "A person who wakes up to give you sleeping pills."

Rules are also discussed in various classrooms, like the "50-50-90 rule." It states: "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong." Light, we learn, travels much faster than sound. But the second rule of light also states: "Some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

A seminar, of course, is "the confusion of one man multiplied by the number present." And a seminar room is "a place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on" Class dismissed.

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)