(Everything that needs to be said, has probably been said when election day rolls around. A friend emailed this summary of what elections mean in "Frequently Asked Questions and Answers" format. See below on your way to the voting precinct - Juan L. Mercado )

Q. What is a Philippine election?
A. It all begins when the country's brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country's problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects.

Q. What happens next?
A. They decide to emigrate.

Q. And after that?
A. Another group of bright people get together.

Q. And what do they do?
They also emigrate.

Q. And then?
A. And so on and so forth.

Q. What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election? When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with?
A. Retired basketball players. Toilet comedians. Bad actors and actresses. Spoiled vicious rich kids. Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You're now ready to hold a Philippine election.

A. How important are elected officials to the Philippines?
Q. Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one.

Q. What's at stake in a Philippine election?
A. Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That's from the politician's point of view.

Q. How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections? .
A. About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves

Q. So it's like a lotto?
A. Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.

Q. Who are qualified to run?
A. Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who's alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.

Q. What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?
A. Artists who have the confidence of the people. .

Q. You mean a con artist?, don't you?
A. You said it, we didn't

Q. Who are qualified to vote?
A. Those willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's work visiting a lot of precincts during election day. .

Q. Talk about parties in the Philippines.
A. Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines

Q. No, no, no. I mean political parties.
A. Oh!. Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalsand the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas

Q. What's the difference between the two parties?
A. Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any.

Q. Explain what this year's elections are all about.
A. Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot? .

Q. No, is that a joke?
A. No, no. no. That's the elections.

Q. You're a cynical bastard, aren't you?
A. You got it wrong. We're not running for office.

Q. Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election?
A. They're fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany them.
A. What are you talking about? A. Miracles occur during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.

Q. Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?
A. They're also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who're killed.

Q. Philippine elections sound like they're really violent and bloody.
A. Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that's only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts.

Q. How clean are Philippine elections?
A. Let's put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house you wouldn't want to live in it.
A. What are guns, goons and gold?
A. Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There some new ones film credits, tv ads and rigged surveys.

Q. How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious? A. Power failures in very specific rooms where the vote counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.
A. Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections? A. You really are from another planet, aren't you?

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)