("Brevity is the soul of wit," Hamlet groused on the rampart of his dank, damp castle. See if the fairy tale and ghost story below are the briefest ever, as the friends who emailed them over claim. Other items are about: pragmatism, Zen and British news clips…Enjoy-Juan L. Mercado)

"The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:" Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?" The girl replied: "No." And the guy lived happily ever after - traveled, played golf, short craps, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. The End.

"The World's Shortest Ghost Story:" it was the first evening after nuclear war devastated the world. There was only one survivor. And he sat in the in the only room left of the only house remaining amidst the radioactive desert. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The End.

Thailand's Princess Maha Chakri Sinindhorn, however, prefers this yam that happened, so she says, in a Bangkok hospital.

A doctor and a lady stand in a descending elevator. The doors of the lift open. A woman, waiting outside, steps forward - when the doctor suddenly hits the "close" button to slam the doors shut before the woman could enter.

"Why did you do that," asked the lady as the agitated physician as the lift bracelet on the woman's right wrist," he replied. "That's strapped only on dead people in our morgue here."

Lifting up her right arm, the lady languidly asked: "Oh? You mean like this?"

Spooky stories reflect values, like the "spirit of pragmatism," writes former UN economist Conrado Sanchez who proceeds to spin this tale:

A very rich husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this stunning young woman comes over to their table. Without ado, she proceeds to hug the husband, kiss him, and says: "See you later." She walks away without even greeting the wife.

"Who the hell was that," the furious wife demands of the husband. "Oh," nonchalantly replies the husband: "she's my mistress." The wife snaps back: "Is that so? Well, that's the last straw. I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember: if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Hong Kong or Singapore. No Carribean or Alaskan cruises. Forget summers in Tuscany. And no more Lexus or Mercedez Benz in the garage, let alone drivers and maids. But the decision is yours."

In the midst of this exchange, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady clinging on to his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony," asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

That is what happens when values are warped demonstrated by these rewrites of axioms from Zen - Mahayana Buddhism which stresses meditation and experiential wisdom:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
3. It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water - with both feel.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone P200 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. And
22. Never, never, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

And finally, here are UK newspaper clips. They explain why we like the Briths:
"The Daily Telegraph:" Police were handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. "It's a Special Branch vehicle. And they don't want the public to know what it looks like."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)