(Friends email funny items they stumble across Internet. They sent four this week that readers may enjoy: "Globalization," "For Women Over 30" - with an illustrative joke: "Never Argue With A Woman" and "The Bannister of Life." Here are excerpts. Enjoy - Juan L. Mercado. )

"Princess Diana's death exemplified globalization. An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crash in a French tunnel. They rode a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian drunk on Scottish whiskey (that's the way the Scots spell it)
" Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, followed them. And when brought to the hospital, an American doctor used Brazilian medicines to treat them.

"This was sent to you by an American using Bill Gates' technology. And you're probably reading this on a computer using Taiwanese chips, with a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshis in a Singapore plant.

"These computers were transported by Indian lorry drivers hauled these computers, which were hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals. That, my friends, is Globalization!"

In the CBS 60 Minutes program, Andy Rooney presented a piece "for all you guys who are scared of girls over 30." It was also meant, he added, added: for "all you girls 30 years and over... and for those scared of moving into their 30s."

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask: 'What are you thinking of?' She doesn't care what you think.

"A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you think about her or what she's doing. .

"Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore her best friend. Because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

"Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. Older women are forthright. They'll tell you if you are a jerk if you're acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, well-coiffed woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress."

And never, never argue with a woman, as shown by this couple vacationing at a fishing resort. While the husband napped, the wife take their boat out, anchors, then continues to read her book.

A game warden pulls alongside and says: "Good morning, Ma'am. You're in a restricted fishing area." She replies: "Sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment, " the warden insists." For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

"Do that and I'll charge you with sexual assault," snaps the woman. "But I haven't touched you," protests the warden. .

"True, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment," the lady retorted. "Have a nice day ma'am," the warden said and left.

Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

Then, there's the item: "As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life, Remember.

1. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

2. Your mind works like lightning? One brilliant flash - and it's gone.

3. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

4. How do you define a "transvestite?" A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary."

5. It used to be only death and taxes that were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.

6. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he has just cleaned the whole house.

7. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 8. This man was so depressed. "My doctor," he said, refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a flagpole on an old condemned building.

8. A stray rabid dog bit my neighbor. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. Rabies could be treated, I told him. There was no need to worry about writing a last will and testament. "Will? What will?", he replied. "I'm drawing up a list of people to bite."

9. What's the definition of a teen-ager? Karma for enjoying sex.

10. And finally, a prayer for you: "As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)