There are over eight million Filipinos abroad. In this age of travel, a command of languages help. President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo floored her Iberian hosts with flawless Spanish.

Ordinary yokels, like us, need a smattering of languages for use in a crunch. The entry into Miami's "Little Havana," for example, has a big sign proclaiming: "English Is Also Spoken Here." They hand out a free handbook titled: Curso de Ingles de Emergencia.

"Si no tiene tiempo para aprender inglés, léase esto," the foreword reads. "Lo puede salvar en un momento de necesidad." Spanish 101 translates that into: "If you have no time to learn English, use this. It can save you in an emergency. Samples:

Si quiere una coca-cola, diga (If you want a coke, say): "Guimi A Couc." Si quiere un café y una dona, diga: Guime a cofi an donot." Si quiere unos huevos con jamón, diga: "Jam And Egs Plis."

English is a complicated language. The Washington Post publishes winning submissions for a yearly contest where readers supply alternate meanings for common words or " neologisms."

Some winners: "Coffee" (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. "Abdicate" (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. "Flabbergasted" (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. "Testicle" (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

More neologisms: "Balderdash" (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. "Flatulence" (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

"Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts. "Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

Here are some examples that must be read aloud to understand why English may be slightly less difficult than Mandarin.

"They were too close to the door to close it." Or "The insurance was invalid for the invalid." Try this one: "The bandage was wound around the wound." Or this: "The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse." And since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present."

More examples: "I did not object to the object." And "upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear." Or: "The farm was used to produce produce. "I had to subject the subject to a series of tests." And this question: "How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?"

In Europe, they have a different problem: "Euro English will be the European Union's official language. It will be phased in over five years, thus:

Year One: "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this thrills sivil servants. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one letter less.

Year Two: The troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Year Three: In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. EU member governments will enkurage removal of double letters. These have always deterred akurate speling.

Also, al will agre that the horrible mess of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful.

Year Four: By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

Year Five: During ze fifz yer, ze unnesesary "o" kan be dopd from vords containing "ou" Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und v evil al be speking German like zey vuntdd in ze forst plas.

You need not go abroad to attend a trial in court. Yet, many people have never done so. Below are adapted examples of questions and answers, actually said in court, word-for-word, and recorded in a book. They should be an incentive.

Prosecutor: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?" Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Linda?" Prosecutor: And why did that upset you? Witness:

"Because my name is Lourdes."

The prosecutor continues: ""How was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Prosecutor: " And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Attorney: "So could you please tell this court what were you doing at that time?"

Witness: "Uh..."

Attorney: "I withdraw the question. You had three children right?" Witness: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "And how many were boys?" Witness: "None." Attorney: "So, were there any girls?

Fiscal: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." Fiscal: "Really? Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" Witness: "Did you actually pass the Bar exam?"

Attorney: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" Witness: "Thirty eight or 35. I can't remember which." Attorney: "And how long has he lived with you?" Witness: "Forty-five years."

Attorney: "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?Witness: "Yes".

Attorney: "And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget things."

Attorney: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot."

(E-mail: juan_mercado@boholchronicle.com)